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Parenting Decisions: How NOT To Manage A Tantrum (In Public)
By Rory Stern | December 30, 2008
Welcome back!
Just a short while ago, my family and I were shopping at one of the large retail “box stores.” It was a pretty average experience, with the exception of watching a parent manage a temper tantrum like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure these happen, but I say “…like I’ve never seen before…” because…well…because I was just amazed at what happened.
Let me say upfront, I’m NOT here to judge. I am NOT here to Monday morning quarterback. Rather, I wanted to share an experience that really shocked me… Especially because I work with families, and sometimes I wonder how things have gotten to where they are.
The Scenario:
As I first entered the store, there was a mother standing in one of the main aisles near the checkout lines. She was apparently trying to extinguish her son’s temper tantrum. Seated in the shopping cart must have been her daughter (or another child). She had a determined look on her face of getting out of the store, while her son was screaming and crying at the top of his lungs. Apparently he wanted a new action-figure, and the mother told him “no.”
Easy enough, right? Not so much in this case!
As the boy continued to scream and yell, the mother gave him a very clear choice. She told him that if he continued acting this way, he would not be able to attend his friend’s birthday party. I guess this was why they were shopping. Her exact words were, “If you keep this up, I guess we’ll just have drop the presents off and not stay.”
I liked that – clear choice with consequences and she left it up to her son.
Apparently the boy decided to call her bluff and the situation ERUPTED from there.
He continued to have his tantrum, and this mother chose to push forward. He did his best to cling to the side of the cart, at one point even wedging his foot in front of one of the wheels. The screaming continued (and not because he was hurt by the cart).
While he tried so hard to stop his mother, I then watched her kick his foot from blocking the wheel of the cart. It didn’t look like she was “hurting” him, but the kicking motion got me thinking. It made me wonder what type of message she was sending her child – (and I’ll be honest) it had me concerned for his safety. Anyway, this boy didn’t budge. He was determined, and the mother was equally determined to move his foot.
After finally giving way, the mother proceeded to the checkout, while her son continued his tantrum in the middle of the store. After parting ways…the boy took off through the store (while still crying and screaming). He darted to the toy section where he grabbed the toy he wanted, screaming for his mother (who was now checking out). Unbelievably, the situation continued while I managed to return to my car and come back to the store.
Rather than go on with these agonizing details, let’s just say the temper tantrum continued and continued and continued.
I am NOT here to judge this mother’s decisions, her actions or the events leading up to this situation. Quite frankly, that’s not something I do. I wasn’t there for all of it, but I did see it unfold. I did watch curiously because I was amazed at some of the choices she made.
I think it was a “Howard Stern” moment – waiting to see what would happen next… I was shocked when she “kicked” his foot out of the way. I was blown away, when her son ran off in this store… And I was speechless to see this continue and continue and continue for well over 30 minutes!
What Do You Think?
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Topics: Behavior | 2 Comments »
December 30th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I read this post awhile ago, and it’s haunting me, so I’ve had to return! I feel compassion for this mom, having been in her shoes way too many times! This scenario is why so many of us moms dread running errands with our kids–our kids know they and we are on a stage, and they try (and all-too-often succeed) to take control of the show (if only she knew her stage would extend to the Internet–eek!). I think those of us w/ special needs kids–ADHD, gifted, SPD, etc.–experience this at an even more intense level. For some reason, these kids have a more keen radar for our sense of helplessness when needing to discipline in public.
Speaking for myself, I’ve felt challenged to grow up and give up needing other people’s approval, because for me, that’s where I give up control to my kids. If I want a nice, calm experience in a store, I usually can’t take my kids with me. If I have to take them with me, then I need to be prepared to stop obnoxious behavior without worrying what other people will think. (Usually, if I’m handling it well, an empathetic adult will say “You go, Mom. Stick with it.”) I believe I have to start this at home. I have to be able to address a tantrum adequately and positively at home so my kids are trained for it in public. If they test the waters in public, then they know what the consequences can be at home, and I have a prime opportunity to train them in what those consequences can be in public. But I need to be willing to take the time, energy, and potentially the hit to my ego to make it happen.
I’m currently reading a fabulous book about discipline entitled 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan. I’ve not finished it yet, have only begun to administer his disipline ideas, and am already seeing a huge difference in how I handle–and enjoy–my kids. I highly recommend it (so far!).
This is such an important topic. Thank you, Rory, for raising it and beginning what I hope will be a helpful discussion!
January 1st, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Parents often have difficulty managing tantrums in public because they have not learned socially appropriate tools!
Being a parent is the toughest job in the world and we all need support to raise this very smart and sofisticated generation!
Thank you for this post Rory! It brought memories of the early years back for me and I blogged about your post on my blog http://www.addtolifecoaching.com.