Comments on: I Almost Snapped…

By: catherine

catherine — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:31:13 +0000

I can only say it gets more difficult as they grow older, so your assertive disciplining efforts of today, will pay off later on.
Could I ask you a favor … please let me know how I can get the Cogmed discount you offered at the end of the teleconferences, I cannot find the email.
Thanks for all your help!

By: Terry C.

Terry C. — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 13:16:11 +0000

I want to read everything above, but before I do that, I will contribute a blurb that hopefully has something to do with this page which I opened yesterday or the day before! It’s Saturday today and I need to get ready to leave town for a day! Will return here again as soon as I can and see what this page is all about!
The other day, I was either at a children’s clothing store with my son that had a little rest area for children with Disney movies showing or I was at the toy store “window shopping” inside the store with him. At some point, I decided it was time to go. I let my son know when it was time to go soon, and then I let him know when it was time to go, and then I let him know again, etc. etc. And I looked at him. He looked comfortable and he looked like he needed the rest. I said out loud to myself, “I’m being selfish”. I went back and shopped some more and let him rest and relax. I felt good realizing I was being selfish. But we probably lost about two hours of precious time inside these two stores.

By: Anne

Anne — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:54:23 +0000

Dr. Stern,

First, I want to say how fortunate your children are to have their father with them as primary caregiver. It’s such an opportunity for them to forge bonds with you that they would otherwise have missed out on. This alone will certainly provide them with a different lens on life. Congratulations for staying true to your convictions and finding solutions for these challenges!

You are modeling for us all the fact that we are always doing the best we can in any given moment. How wonderful that you share with us, your readers, so that we can realize that we are all A-OK and learning from our experiences just like you! I have so much respect for your ability to humbly share your experience. Awareness of what has happened is that first miraculous step to making a difference, and you surely are helping us see that here!

As parent of a 10 year-old, and a Parent/Teen Life Coach and Energy Medicine practitioner, I realize how helpful it is to have some options stored up to use in challenging situations.

Starting simply can be very powerful: just stepping back, connecting with your breathing, slowing it down, realizing that you don’t have to respond instantly (unless there is potential danger to the child/ren), and reflecting on what is really going on there…then responding from a more centered place. You’ve modeled that so beautifully. Breaking free from the familiar family patterns of the past allows a whole new set of possibilities to reveal itself. The babysitter solution and creating quiet work space for yourself will do wonders for all of you.

And there are lots of possible next steps to take from there! Great job! Thank you for shining the light of change on adult-child interactions!

Anne

By: Camila

Camila — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 12:52:03 +0000

Thank you for sharing!

By: Diane

Diane — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 11:39:07 +0000

Hi, Rory, Yes!! Been there done that, oh so often.

Part of my private practice, throughout the years, was to do diagnostic psycho-educational evaluations, which I did at home, so I could be near my children. I still remember when my kids were ages two and six; they would run into my home office while I was writing the reports, and would recite this song about “Bugs” from one of their videos. Needless to say, they were totally adorable. But I had deadlines. Had to get those reports done. So rather than “Adore” the moment and my kids, I would snap at them, and then spend most of the day feeling horrible about it. I would then play with them for hours, and not do the reports, out of guilt. (Also, I loved to play with them, and that was more fun than the reports).

This “snapping” has gone on for years; always when I have a deadline. That is my nemesis: when I have to work quickly, and the kids want something.

What I’ve learned to do is:
1)Keep my voice soft
2)Try to smile
3)Deal with the interruption from them calmly–but make it clear that I need to get back to work soon.

I’ve found that as long as I talk to them a few minutes, they’re fine with my going right back to work. But if I immediately snap at them, I’ve lost them. And then I feel so badly, I can’t work anyway.

So…investing just those few minutes, but setting a limit—seems to work with my 11 and 15 year old boys. I guess we all need to experiment and see what works for us.

What also helped me was having a group of very supportive moms who I would call and say, “Can I bring them over to your house just for a few hours, so I can…” etc. Do you have a support network? That helped me so much.

Take care,Rory! It’s good to know you are as fallible as the rest of us! Enjoy those children. I admire and respect what you are doing!!

By: Sharon

Sharon — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:00:29 +0000

Tina, your comment has brought me so much comfort; I don’t feel as alone in my journey with a 17 yo daughter with ADHD.

By: Carla Hickey

Carla Hickey — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 14:38:44 +0000

I have been there many, many times! And not only as a parent, but as a teacher of young children too(currently Kindergarten-which I consider the top level of my experience, age-wise, but my favorites remain the two year olds!!)! Usually when I find myself in that state, I almost always realize that the cause lays within me. I do think it is impoartant to acknowledge that to the children, and I always try to do that, so they can see that mistakes-all mistakes happen, and “grown-ups” are not exempt. What makes the difference is that we admit it, and then make ammends as needed. AFter all we are all human, and as such are not perfect, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!!!

By: Belva

Belva — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:27:46 +0000

Sounds like my life everyday. My husband in a ware zone.
I’m gone 10 hours a day with work and travel time. and then have to deal with a 9 years (one with adhd) and daily trips to karate class. I’ve cut everything out out.
22 year that has some major adjustments of his own to deal with his he spent 4 years in jail.
House and 2 cats and 2 dogs

By: Jean Ross

Jean Ross — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:28:26 +0000

Sounds like you are human!!!
The good news is that children appreciate honesty…just apoloize….

By: Caryl Martin

Caryl Martin — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:04:02 +0000

WOW, are you kidding? I’m “there” just about all the time! And yes I do appreciate you sharing your story, because I am much like you, I work at home and have to have a babysitter come in a couple days a week so I can actually get some work done this summer, and even to have some time to myself (even though I find myself missing my kids when I’m not with them). You are so right, our kids just want our attention, and when we are distracted…aka on the computer or phone for any reason…they tend to try to get it in any way possible. Thanks again, it’s good to be reminded that we are not alone…don’t you think?