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I Almost Snapped…
By Rory Stern | July 16, 2009
Welcome back!
I really did almost snap earlier this week, and it was not my kids
fault. You might say it was brought on by my children, but stepping back I knew it was all on me.
I was the one who was getting easily frustrated. I was the one who was having a hard time with my patience.
No matter what they do… I am the one who is usually at fault when I get angry, mad or frustrated!
So what happened?
Monday and Tuesday this week I hired a babysitter for the first time ever. I needed to get some things done around the house – and quite frankly – I also just wanted some time for me.
I’ve been a stay-at-home Dad for four years now, and have sacrificed my own time so my kids could have what they want.
But that’s what we parents do…right?
Anyway, while the babysitter was here on Monday, my kids were on their best behavior. They played nicely together, and they had a lot of fun.
And yes, I was able to get things done and it felt great.
But then I decided to send the sitter home early, and that’s when it (and I) unraveled and almost snapped.
Once our babysitter left, the kids went crazy! And by crazy, I mean they were doing exactly what you would expect a two-year-old and a four-year-old to do.
They were jumping on all the furniture and interrupting me while trying to do work… The nerve of me!!!
What was so bad?
In hindsight, my kids did nothing wrong. They were acting their age by exploring the world and experimenting with new things. They wanted attention from me, their primary caregiver…
To some degree, I didn’t like what they were doing to get my attention (and I think that’s the point).
So again, they did nothing wrong. They weren’t being bad — but to me they were because I had other interests…other intentions…other thoughts about what I wanted to do with the same amount of time.
That’s when disaster strikes.
One of the things I tell a lot of my clients (with kids) is that children
know exactly what they want. In most cases they just can’t express it or go about expressing it in a way that we as adults don’t want to hear it.
Even as I write this now, my kids are playing with the sitter – jumping up
and down – having fun, but I just want quiet.
We both want different things, and no one is really wrong, but we are sharing space that perhaps we should not be at the exact moment.
Well, that’s my thought for the day. I really just wanted to share my story with you because I know many of you could appreciate it.
And I also wanted to share this with you because in that exact moment, I
found myself saying "If only my readers were here to see me (a parent coach) reacting the way I am…
Too funny, but maybe you just had to be here!
Topics: Uncategorized | 18 Comments »
July 16th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Yes, Dr. Rory, I have come into this realization about a year ago. I am a better Mom if I stop and say to myself, what is my agenda now, what is my daughter’s agenda now?! That’s why I’m ready to snap! Put my agenda on the back burner, and go to her and find out what, why, and where. It’s a rollercoaster, because sometimes I’m so INTO what I’m doing, I can’t pull out of it. That’s where the low tolerance for frustration spurts out on all ends, and I help to cycle my daughter up to her Nth degree and she cycles me up. I feel AWFUL when it happens. Case in point: Yesterday, I walked my daughter down from my office on campus (I’m in higher ed) to where the soccer camp was being held with two other parents and their kids. Just before walk behind the athletic building, she spies her best friend (they’re 8yrs) and she announces she wants to wait for her mom to park the car (around the side of the building) and walk up to us. I yell “NO!” Like this edgy mom, ready to burst… What was my agenda? Walk fast back to the office, not take out so much time to make this into a half-hour/40 minute affair. “NO!” comes back from daughter. “YOUR COMING WITH ME!” just pops out of my mouth… what just happened? I thought? She’s angry, yelling, not moving, or just moving an inch at a time, other mothers are giving me a wide berth; I’m feeling bedraggled and now I’ve helped to take this really sweet morning walk with a pack of kids/parents and turn it into raw feelings. What was daughter’s agenda? To feel good being with her best friend, to preserve the friendship, to be happy with her friend. At the field she left my side and could NOT wait to get away from me; She won! What could I have done better?
Waited for her best friend to walk down to us. Tell my colleagues with their kids we were walking with, that I’d catch up with them on the way back. What would that have cost me? 5 extra minutes? For a win-win? Yes! That’s worth it.
It feels like my brain gets “locked” sometimes and it’s all or nothing. I can’t see past my own stress levels “…have to get back to the office… no time … ” I think being cognizant of what I’m feeling at the second I’m feeling it would have helped. Maybe I could have told myself “oh well.. tell the boss the truth and put extra time in at the end of the week. There’s always evenings / weekends to make up for lost time.” It’s a give and take ALL the time and with kids, it’s a give-give-give. Because they are too young to see the aggravataion they cause by not being compassionate and sympathetic to our needs. Maybe I could have walked up to our friend’s car and said, “Hi Annie… would you take my daughter down to the field with your daughters?” I’m sure she would have done that for me. My daughter would have been in heaven and I would have been back at the office earlier than planned. Problem is… how does one calm oneself and think of these on-the-second solutions??
Mary Vona
July 16th, 2009 at 11:24 am
You know ever since I have recently known about this condition. I find myself secind guess myself about how to treat people at work, school and home. I feel lost sometimes because I do not know if I acting or saying the appropiate thing. Then researching for help I have notice I can not afford ot so what do I do. I have nowhere to go. Cie La vie
July 16th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Dear Rory
i can very well communicate with you on this you think you are bad well i have 4 children ages, 21, 20, 17, & 15 and they are constantly looking for my attention it just never stops does it?
but on saying this i sit and look at them and my heart melts because as parents our kids never grow up or at least maybe many of us dont let them and where o neareth would we be without them sue they give us something to grumble about dont they?
July 16th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Hello Rory,
Thanks for sharing your story. I have been at that exact place you were on Monday, too many times to count.
I stopped working away from home (full-time) over ten year ago to be there for my kids. At that point, I was lucky enough that they were in school during the day to get things done.
But the summers, oh boy! They were at my feet playing with cars, rolling on the floor next to my desk, under my desk seeing if they could do a somersault, etc. Wow! I don’t miss those days. Those were the only times I missed working outside of the house.
As they got older, the hardest thing to get across was the fact that I was ‘working.’ They would say, “No, you’re not. You’re playing on the computer.” Argh. My oldest son (he’s 22) now gets it. And my youngest son (he’s 17) is finally understanding that I am ‘really’ working.
I am glad you hired a babysitter. That will help! For that ‘me’ space, send them to the park or outside to play.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Totally get it. I’m a clinical psychologist, an ADHD coach, and a parent of a very spirited girl with ADHD. Love using all my parenting skills and yet…..well, you obviously know. I have found ADHD Living Without Brakes by Martin Kutscher a great, quick read and a wonderful way to recenter myself. That and and self-forgiveness sure help! Love your sense of humor.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Hi Rory!
That I understand your sentiments can only be a testimony that I have tried to comment to you three times already. This being the successful third time! But I rally understand your frustrations & snapping out! My children are older and have different ways to seek my attention. At the older ages of 10 & 7 the attention seeking boarders on disrespect. So it is a fine line of disrespect & being normal kids. In any case, I completely understand. As much joy that it brings to be a parent it is equally as tiring. I have managed (with a great deal of self control) to take a step back. I have also take time out to show some injustices & how their thoughts of “unfair” are really tipped to their side. As I said, my kids are older and reasoning can be delivered and understood better. So hang in there as we all do the same thing with you. Also don’t forget to remember that you are human.
Yvette Fleming
July 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Dr. Stern,
I can relate to your story. My 17 year old wants to do things spontaneously, is high energy naturally and essentially demands that I drop what I am doing to mountain bike, build a greenhouse, play croquet, buid a zip line, pin pong, whatever.
He doesn’t understand that my idea of having a break is totally different from his. We are working to coming to agreement on what time I will give him and what I would like during my down time. Even so, he will be quick to complain after he gets what he wants.
I think there should be a special place in heaven for mothers of ADHD – it is exhausting, frustrating and seemingly an endless task to raise these children to be happy and appreciative instead of blameful and demanding when things don’t go their way. Their belief and expectation in life is “I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and I don’t care what you want”.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Hello Rory,
Your story about “sharing space” with your children brought a smile to my face. YES!, I discovered “early” on that if I also had an agenda at the same time I was supposed to be spending time with my children, my frustration levels easily came to the “surface” because then I felt I had not accomplished all that I wanted to do that day.
As a full time parent (with no outside job), I felt I was already spending 25/7 with them, and still had to have quality time with my husband in the evening. My children are 5 years apart, and both are inattentive ADHD. My husband is also ADHD (inattentive), and had no treatment for his dyslexia throughout his school years. He also suffers from depression which was not diagnosed until we had a crisis with ADHD issues about 10 years ago.
When the kids were younger, I had to “put aside” my “aspirations”, and just focused on them. Whatever it was I wanted to do that day had to be “put aside” for later. If I didn’t get it done that day, the “task” would be moved forward to the next day (much like what I tell my students to do when they set up a “To Do” list – I am an Academic Strategist, postsecondary).
You are, at least, fortunate enough to have a babysitter to have some dedicated time to yourself. I am guessing that you have already figured out that anything outside of kid time, has to be “scheduled” into “work time” when the babysitter comes so that you can actually “accomplish” that task.
Have a great day with your kids today Rory. The saying that they grow up too fast is really true. My son, who is now 21, can be said to be “successful” because he is finishing his 3rd year of chemical engineering. But he suffers greatly from depression much like his father. My daughter, who is now 16, does not see the value of school right now so my focus with her is our relationship; My role is shifting to that of mentor and coach.
Regards, Jean
July 16th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
WOW, are you kidding? I’m “there” just about all the time! And yes I do appreciate you sharing your story, because I am much like you, I work at home and have to have a babysitter come in a couple days a week so I can actually get some work done this summer, and even to have some time to myself (even though I find myself missing my kids when I’m not with them). You are so right, our kids just want our attention, and when we are distracted…aka on the computer or phone for any reason…they tend to try to get it in any way possible. Thanks again, it’s good to be reminded that we are not alone…don’t you think?
July 16th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Sounds like you are human!!!
The good news is that children appreciate honesty…just apoloize….
July 16th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Sounds like my life everyday. My husband in a ware zone.
I’m gone 10 hours a day with work and travel time. and then have to deal with a 9 years (one with adhd) and daily trips to karate class. I’ve cut everything out out.
22 year that has some major adjustments of his own to deal with his he spent 4 years in jail.
House and 2 cats and 2 dogs
July 17th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I have been there many, many times! And not only as a parent, but as a teacher of young children too(currently Kindergarten-which I consider the top level of my experience, age-wise, but my favorites remain the two year olds!!)! Usually when I find myself in that state, I almost always realize that the cause lays within me. I do think it is impoartant to acknowledge that to the children, and I always try to do that, so they can see that mistakes-all mistakes happen, and “grown-ups” are not exempt. What makes the difference is that we admit it, and then make ammends as needed. AFter all we are all human, and as such are not perfect, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!!!
July 17th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Tina, your comment has brought me so much comfort; I don’t feel as alone in my journey with a 17 yo daughter with ADHD.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Hi, Rory, Yes!! Been there done that, oh so often.
Part of my private practice, throughout the years, was to do diagnostic psycho-educational evaluations, which I did at home, so I could be near my children. I still remember when my kids were ages two and six; they would run into my home office while I was writing the reports, and would recite this song about “Bugs” from one of their videos. Needless to say, they were totally adorable. But I had deadlines. Had to get those reports done. So rather than “Adore” the moment and my kids, I would snap at them, and then spend most of the day feeling horrible about it. I would then play with them for hours, and not do the reports, out of guilt. (Also, I loved to play with them, and that was more fun than the reports).
This “snapping” has gone on for years; always when I have a deadline. That is my nemesis: when I have to work quickly, and the kids want something.
What I’ve learned to do is:
1)Keep my voice soft
2)Try to smile
3)Deal with the interruption from them calmly–but make it clear that I need to get back to work soon.
I’ve found that as long as I talk to them a few minutes, they’re fine with my going right back to work. But if I immediately snap at them, I’ve lost them. And then I feel so badly, I can’t work anyway.
So…investing just those few minutes, but setting a limit—seems to work with my 11 and 15 year old boys. I guess we all need to experiment and see what works for us.
What also helped me was having a group of very supportive moms who I would call and say, “Can I bring them over to your house just for a few hours, so I can…” etc. Do you have a support network? That helped me so much.
Take care,Rory! It’s good to know you are as fallible as the rest of us! Enjoy those children. I admire and respect what you are doing!!
July 18th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Thank you for sharing!
July 18th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Dr. Stern,
First, I want to say how fortunate your children are to have their father with them as primary caregiver. It’s such an opportunity for them to forge bonds with you that they would otherwise have missed out on. This alone will certainly provide them with a different lens on life. Congratulations for staying true to your convictions and finding solutions for these challenges!
You are modeling for us all the fact that we are always doing the best we can in any given moment. How wonderful that you share with us, your readers, so that we can realize that we are all A-OK and learning from our experiences just like you! I have so much respect for your ability to humbly share your experience. Awareness of what has happened is that first miraculous step to making a difference, and you surely are helping us see that here!
As parent of a 10 year-old, and a Parent/Teen Life Coach and Energy Medicine practitioner, I realize how helpful it is to have some options stored up to use in challenging situations.
Starting simply can be very powerful: just stepping back, connecting with your breathing, slowing it down, realizing that you don’t have to respond instantly (unless there is potential danger to the child/ren), and reflecting on what is really going on there…then responding from a more centered place. You’ve modeled that so beautifully. Breaking free from the familiar family patterns of the past allows a whole new set of possibilities to reveal itself. The babysitter solution and creating quiet work space for yourself will do wonders for all of you.
And there are lots of possible next steps to take from there! Great job! Thank you for shining the light of change on adult-child interactions!
Anne
July 18th, 2009 at 8:16 am
I want to read everything above, but before I do that, I will contribute a blurb that hopefully has something to do with this page which I opened yesterday or the day before! It’s Saturday today and I need to get ready to leave town for a day! Will return here again as soon as I can and see what this page is all about!
The other day, I was either at a children’s clothing store with my son that had a little rest area for children with Disney movies showing or I was at the toy store “window shopping” inside the store with him. At some point, I decided it was time to go. I let my son know when it was time to go soon, and then I let him know when it was time to go, and then I let him know again, etc. etc. And I looked at him. He looked comfortable and he looked like he needed the rest. I said out loud to myself, “I’m being selfish”. I went back and shopped some more and let him rest and relax. I felt good realizing I was being selfish. But we probably lost about two hours of precious time inside these two stores.
July 21st, 2009 at 6:31 pm
I can only say it gets more difficult as they grow older, so your assertive disciplining efforts of today, will pay off later on.
Could I ask you a favor … please let me know how I can get the Cogmed discount you offered at the end of the teleconferences, I cannot find the email.
Thanks for all your help!