To many of my readers it’s been no secret that the last six months have been a challenge.  I struggled with a lot of intense feelings, and pulled back from a lot of what I do and what I like to do.  I isolated myself and it led to disaster.  I wish I could say that I am completely out of it…and I’m well on my way…but I’m just not out of the woods yet.

In all the work I do supporting families affected by ADHD, one of the strongest pieces of advice I advocate is having a powerful support network, and not being alone.  Yet I still did the exact opposite…

So many parents tell me they are afraid to talk to other parents about their challenges.  Whether it’s not being understood, feeling ashamed, being blamed, judged, or shamed… they tell me they just don’t want to talk to people about it.

And I really get that…  And it’s far too easy to just shy away, especially after being burned a few times.

But I have to caution you to steer clear of isolation as best you can.

Whether you are a busy on the go parent (working outside or inside the home), it’s just too easy to feel alone.  It’s too easy and natural to get caught up in your world…your own struggles…and to feel like you are the only one!

As a stay-at-home-Dad…my biggest struggle is the demands of being a parent while also having a deep burning desire to work on my life…my business…and to have space.

I’m telling you this because I withdrew from my support network.  I was afraid to say certain things to people.  I didn’t want to be judged.  I was embarrassed by certain thoughts I was having, and felt like others would laugh.

But the other day I finally reached out to a colleague and shared some thoughts that were holding me back…  I couldn’t keep them to myself anymore.  I took a chance…and yea…I was nervous about it.

And you know what?

He didn’t laugh…  He didn’t judge.  He actually connected with me… Heard me… And told me he has the same thoughts.  Instantly I was re-energized and felt like I wasn’t the only one.  It was amazing and gave me energy that I hadn’t felt in a while.

Now not everyone will have this affect on me…or you.  But it reminded me that there are people out there who will offer support.  And that being alone is dangerous! It also reminded me that I am NOT alone and that I crave connection.  It is connection that inspires me…

That might work for you, or it might not.  You’ve got to find what or who helps get you out of isolation or being alone.

But no matter how uncomfortable you are feeling… How scared… Alone… Or Lost you feel…  Don’t keep it bottled up inside. Take a chance and share with someone.  If they don’t give you what you need, find someone who will.

No I don’t expect it to be that easy.  Sure it might even hurt…but I am living proof that going through it alone is dangerous and just makes things even harder.

Raising a child or supporting a loved one with ADHD ain’t easy!  Believe you me…I get it!!!!  But I’m also gonna tell you that life isn’t easy…  Raising a child without ADHD isn’t easy…  It’s just different.  Yes, you’ll face unique challenges for sure… and all it takes to get the support you need is to find the right people.  That’s the challenge we all face in life.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately about very young children being diagnosed with ADHD…  Parents want to know:

• Can my child be diagnosed at <insert age here>?
• How do I know if it’s ADHD or not?
• What should I be looking for?
• How can I help my child?

These are all great questions to ask!  Unfortunately, like so many things when it comes to parenting children with ADHD, there is just no ONE size-fits-all answer!

According to the DSM-IV criteria symptoms of ADHD must be present before age 7.

BUT – we still know that kids are still developing at that young of an age. Furthermore, according to Dr. Daniel Amen, our brains continue to develop until we are 25 years-old.  So what it is then?  What is the answer?

I’m beginning to sound like a bit of a broken record, but ADHD looks differently in every single individual.  On top of that, there are so many different conditions that share the major symptoms of ADHD, as well as factors that can mimic symptoms of ADHD.

To Answer The Question

The diagnostic criteria for ADHD are more of a guideline.  They are NOT by any means the determining factor that definitely makes a diagnosis.

For me, I don’t personally like to officially diagnose a child before age 7 or 8, and even then that can be a bit beyond my comfort zone.  Instead, I offer you this perspective:

If your child is showing some signs and symptoms of ADHD, then act accordingly.  Regardless of a formal diagnosis, there are still strategies and supports that we can put in place to help your child be successful.  There are tools we can rely on to make life a little less stressful and overwhelming for you, your child, and the entire family.

So yet again, I ask you to consider the diagnosis a piece of the puzzle.  Focus more on the behaviors that you are seeing, and consider how those are causing problems.

As your child gets older, and things become a bit more clear, then we can start to identify whether or not it really is ADHD.

Tell Us What You Think!

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I want to shout out loud – “It’s NEVER too late for change.”  It’s NEVER too late to make a difference in your child’s life. And it’s certainly NEVER too late to start supporting and encouraging their differences!

Yet, I have to caution everyone that just because it is never too late… that doesn’t mean we will see change overnight, within a week, or within a few months.

Sure, my goal with everyone is to implement strategies right away so you can start seeing change almost immediately.  BUT, that doesn’t mean there won’t be some ups and downs.

Today – more so than ever – we are looking for a quick fix demand and expect a quick fix.

I suppose it’s NOT entirely unreasonable to want that.  After all, the demands on our time is at an all time high.  Technology is advancing so rapidly – that our world (family, work, school) expects almost immediate results.

But we cannot expect that from our children.  While society has changed, raising a family has stayed relatively the same (or should I say has the same demands)…

My Point Is This…

Think of who your child is right now.  Think of how old he or she is, and how long it has taken to develop the habits we now observe as problematic or concerning.  In fact, the same works for their good habits…

With all of the families I support, the same applies across the board.  It doesn’t matter if it’s the parent or the child…  We need to think of the years that it took to develop the habits or behaviors we see right now.  We need to be mindful that these habits developed over time and did NOT pop up over night.

That’s where the answer exists:  TIME!

Even when we intervene at a very early age, we are faced with habits that have been reinforced time and time again.  It’s going to take time to help support your child and help them develop new habits.

Tell Us What You Think!

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Most of us understand ADHD as a condition where children are lacking in attention, or where they struggle to maintain focus, concentration and ATTENTION.

But I think we often overlook another form of attention…

When I speak with parents, I often hear the frustration coupled with parenting children with ADHD.  And you know I don’t mean that in a rude…condesending way!  At least I hope you know that!  After all, above all else, I am a parent first.  I am NOT immune to finding myself frustrated and burnt out from giving all of my attention to two young children.

Now it’s really easy to lose patience with our children, and forget how fragile our children really are…  To overlook what they really want from us… 

ATTENTION!!!

This is the attention that I think often gets overlooked when we are parenting children with ADHD and even those children without learning differences (without ADHD).

We immediately think attention, and everyone in the ADHD community starts thinking about the child’s attention span – what they can focus on…  But what if it’s NOT really that?  What if it is that these children just CRAVE attention?

Our children will do ANYTHING for attention…even if it is negative attention (like yelling, screaming, shouting, punishing…)

Just imagine that your child is dancing on the inside because you are finally <in their minds> giving them your full attention.

I know it doesn’t always make sense!

Just keep in mind one thing — our children do not have the same words or vocabulary, or the “know-how” to communicate that they want attention.  Instead, they have learned that their behavior (i.e., acting out) is what catches our attention.

Again – it’s the delicate balance between positive attention, negative attention, and just plain old being a kid and a parent in this messed up, busy world!

Tell Us What You Think!

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From the days when I was still living under my parents roof, and especially as I approached the decision of becoming a parent myself, I was always very aware of the relationship patterns that many parents have with their children.  While I had very supportive parents, they also really just wanted me to follow their rules and do what I was told.

I grew up in a house where the bottom line answer was:

“I am the parent, you are the child!”

That was the response that signaled the end of the conversation.  No matter how unfair or incorrect my parents were, that closed the conversation.  I knew that.  I accepted it, but it frustrated me because that type of response generally indicated that they knew they were wrong or mistaken.

What Type Of Relationship Do You Want With Your Child(ren)?

One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make with their children is assuming that things will work out just because…  But when you just let life happen, it’s sort of just a free form that will develop without any influence or direction.

As you consider the challenges that you face as the parent of a child with ADHD, I’d like to ask you to consider one very important question before you start to think about managing their behavioral problems:

• What type of relationship do you want with your child?

Finish with the end in mind.  Yesterday I shared with a client that there is no “right way” of doing things.  In fact, the right way might just be doing the exact opposite of what is necessary.  That’s just the nature of trying to change difficult behavior or complex situations.  You have to be willing to try new things, and you have to be prepared for the challenges that arise from these new situations.

By thinking ahead to the type of relationship you want with your child, it will help guide you through what choices to make in terms of discipline, punishment, reward, discussions, and so much more…

Me?  i want a collaborative relationship with my children.  I want them to know that first and foremost, I am their father.  I need them to understand that there are certain expectations in the father – child relationship. But I also want a relationship where I can spend time with my kids and enjoy them for the unique individuals they are…  This mentality guides exactly how I parent my children, and how I help my clients work on relationships within their family.

What Type Of Relationship Do You Want?

We’d love to hear from you. Go ahead and give us your thoughts in the comments below.

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Who am I kidding?  Parenting in general takes commitment.  That’s no secret, and it’s not an exclusive club for parents raising a child with ADHD or any other child who is different.  No matter who your child is, or what unique challenges they face, your job as a parent is all relative to your experience, right?

I’ve said before that I have no magic tricks, and that I don’t have all the answers.  But what I do have is the belief and conviction that all of our children are different and need different things.  Boy or girl, ADHD or no ADHD, our children will all require different supports.  I honestly think that anyone who has it easy (raising their children) isn’t really involved enough in their lives.  That’s just the way it is.  Yes, you could have it easier, but somewhere along the way you faced challenges and it was a struggle.

Did I Really Just Generalize That?

Parenting is a contact sport, and it takes commitment. It takes commitment because no matter what strategies I give you (or my clients) – there is likely going to be some push back.  Yes, some of them will make a difference right away.  But no matter the situation, there will likely be a period of adjustment, and it is likely going to be a little uncomfortable.

One of my mentors helped me understand that you aren’t really experiencing change unless you go outside of your comfort zone and feel out of sorts.  Playing it safe is the easy way…  It’s what we know, and it generally will lead to the same results we are used to getting.

As my clients left the office today, they were a little skeptical of what I had suggested they do.  I had asked them to do the opposite of what their intuition normally recommend.  I wanted them to shock the system a little bit.  Instead of punishing their son, I asked them to let something pass this one time.  It was uncomfortable, and I liked that…  It had them thinking creatively.

When I knew they were still a little skeptical, I told them that this likely won’t make sense when it happens.  I also cautioned them that they might not necessarily see an immediate change.  I asked them to take a leap of faith with me, and stay committed to the process.

The Morale (So To Speak)

I’m not gonna lie to you.  I think if you want atypical results, you have do things a little different from the norm.  You have to stop listening to what everyone else tells you they know — unless of course they are getting the results you want while working towards similar goals.  And for me, that’s what it’s all about.

This family wanted to shake things up, and to do that, you have take some chances.  For me, it’s NOT so much about the answer you give as it is how prepared you are to deal with what comes next.  You can try, and try, and try new methods out…  Almost every time, it’s likely to feel out of sorts.  But if you are prepared and committed, you can manage that kickback and get the results you want.

What Do You Think?

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I don’t know if this is an asset or a liability, but for better or worse, I am a stickler for details.  I pick up on the small things, particularly when it comes to the words people choose in a discussion.  You might call this a personal pet-peeve of mine, but I choose my words very carefully and with intent.

A lot of people tell me I have no filter, but I actually think things through rather carefully (and quickly) when providing feedback or entertaining a discussion.

This afternoon I connected with a new colleague, and we were sharing our different points of view on ADHD, giftedness, and supporting children and families in general.  I say different points of view very loosely, because quite honestly, we hold a lot of the same ideals and beliefs…

During this conversation, I started talking about my belief that we cannot simply be focusing on ADHD (or giftedness, or any other learning condition) in and of itself.  Differences are differences, and we have taken the approach that different is bad.  We seem to need a label for everything, and if we are not normal, we create categories and assign “judgment” to those categories.

Slight Tangent Here: I have come to believe that these labels exist because of certain societal expectations of what is normal.  For instance, becoming an attorney or a medical doctor carries prestige in most circles, while other jobs are sorted into blue-collar, etc…  (Labels once again)…

As we continued our discussion about focusing on the big picture, the “wholeness” of an individual, I commented that I see a lot of people who are striving for constant improvement.

To me, and it’s just my opinion, improvement suggests something is wrong.  Improvement suggests we are trying to strengthen an area that is weaker.  On the other hand, focusing on success implies we want to reach an optimal level.

Again, this is very nit-picky, but I believe it is important when approaching how we will approach our children and what expectations we will hold for them.  I stopped trying to correct my weaknesses a long time ago, and have always been successful in life by playing to my strengths.

• Extra Tip:  How are we measuring improvement?  What does it mean?  It is hard to be “improved” if we have not set a measure or goal.

This is a very subtle shift, but choosing the right words has a direct impact (or is a direct result) of the beliefs we hold, and ultimately what we expect from others.

Look at this another way — it’s like the difference between someone who sees a problem versus someone who sees opportunity.

What Do You Think?

We’d love to hear from you. Go ahead and give us your thoughts in the comments below.

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With Labor Day now over, kids across America are heading back to school.  For many kids and parents, this is a really exciting time of year. Despite previous frustrations, there is hope that this year will be different.  There is hope for new beginnings…

Along with this excitement for change, there is also a lot of excitement around reconnection.  Children might not be excited about the academics of school, but many are excited about seeing old friends and being around their peers.  Yes, even if they don’t have a lot of friends, there is still some excitement about starting over.

Children With ADHD

As parents, your primary concern is likely more about starting things off on the right foot… You want to see your child NOT struggle with all the pains she has in the past.  You hope that he won’t be picked on…  Laughed at…  Or made fun of any more…  And you hope that she won’t get in trouble or cause too many problems.

As you approach the new school year, you are going to face some challenges.  It’s just a matter of how you approach them and how you are prepared to see them.

Consider the following quesitons:

1. What are your expectations?
2. What is your child capable of?
3. What are the goals for this school year?
4. What will be acceptable?
5. Does your child have dreams?

So many parents want the best for their children, and after all, that makes total sense.  But it’s also important to keep in mind that NOT everyone needs to be a doctor, lawyer, scientist, or savior of the world.

When I work with children and families, I try to stress the importance of goals!  In my opinion, as long as there are clear, agreed upon goals, children should be given every opportunity to experiment with life.

While a child with ADHD is certainly capable, they do face challenges.  The key to success is really about knowing how to manage and overcome these challenges.

The above questions are a place to start when it comes to supporting a child with ADHD.

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Today’s post is a bit of a personal one for me, but it’s something I’d like to share with you all.  It’s one of those life lessons you (or at least I) always heard growing up…  One of those cliches that just never made sense.

That was until today…

A few weeks ago, our family was invited to spend a few days with another family, vacationing together if you will…  We would be getting away from the day-to-day routine and spending time with friends outside of family commitments.  We would be going away to do things that I thought would be fun…  Things I was really looking forward to.  Things we don’t have the opportunity to necessarily do every day.

The Writing Was On The Wall

Despite having been away for most of the month of August, with various family commitments, this was the first getaway that would truly be optional and inviting.  It would truly be my own – nothing I was “obligated” to do because of family commitments.

Long story short, we never did end up leaving this morning.  My daughter’s cold got progressively worse through the night, and our son woke up in the middle of the night with a fever.  Still determined to go, I got myself ready and refused to accept the truth…

I knew the right answer was not going away.  I knew the right answer was calling the trip off.  But I was clinging on with so much hope.  And honestly, I was a little angry.

And Then It Hit Me

The more I thought about this decision, the more I knew it was the right decision.  I knew that I needed to stay home and take care of my kids.  I knew that I had to sacrifice once again because their health and comfort was more important at this moment than my own desires.

And that’s what parenting is…  Parenting is all about sacrifice…  At some point, some day, it’s about sacrifice.

And the big lesson that hit me:  I was for the first time really angry at my children.  I was really (selfishly) upset by the fact that I had to give up my weekend because of their needs.

It only took a few moments to let this fleeting emotional response pass.  After all, I knew I had made the right decision.  I knew it was the right decision because it felt so awful.

Parenting is:

• What you make of it…
• An absolute joy…
• A total frustration
• The most wonderful gift
• And so much more…

Yet for a moment today, it felt horrible.  I just wanted a moment of my own.

Looking Back:

Earlier this week I was meeting with a mother of three young children.  And as we were talking about the sacrifices she made, she commented that what was standing in here way was resentment…   And it was in that moment I knew that I had to let my decision stand, and move on.

Never reach the level of resentment…  It’s a dark place, where you risk having a tough battle coming back from it.

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Earlier today I happened to stumble upon the movie “Meet The Robinsons.”  I’ll admit I’ve been somewhat intrigued by this movie since the previews first came out, but I never got around to watching it.  I suppose I didn’t have much faith in a movie whose best line appeared to be “I have a big head and little arms…”

Anyway, I put it on as background noise – being kid friendly and all – and to my surprise, it was a pretty entertaining movie.  It’s no Aladdin…  Peter Pan…  Jungle Book…  But it was alright.

Keep Moving Forward

I think what really stood out for me was the powerful lesson and theme throughout the film:  Keep Moving Forward

It’s the idea that no matter what happens, you pick up your head, hold it high, and keep trying.  I think one of the characters even went so far as saying that you learn more from failing than you do from always getting it right the first time.

No words could be more true or inspiring!

But this movie didn’t stop there.  It was a story about children who struggled throughout life…  About children who felt unwanted or out of sorts – being “different” from other kids.

I suppose there were quite a number of negatives you might see in this part of the story, but again, I saw a lot more of the positives.  It was remarkable to see a child who struggled to fit in – who eventually found his calling in life.

If you ask me, that’s what it’s all about.

The journey might be hard, but we learn from that journey and emerge a stronger person.

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