I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately about very young children being diagnosed with ADHD…  Parents want to know:

• Can my child be diagnosed at <insert age here>?
• How do I know if it’s ADHD or not?
• What should I be looking for?
• How can I help my child?

These are all great questions to ask!  Unfortunately, like so many things when it comes to parenting children with ADHD, there is just no ONE size-fits-all answer!

According to the DSM-IV criteria symptoms of ADHD must be present before age 7.

BUT – we still know that kids are still developing at that young of an age. Furthermore, according to Dr. Daniel Amen, our brains continue to develop until we are 25 years-old.  So what it is then?  What is the answer?

I’m beginning to sound like a bit of a broken record, but ADHD looks differently in every single individual.  On top of that, there are so many different conditions that share the major symptoms of ADHD, as well as factors that can mimic symptoms of ADHD.

To Answer The Question

The diagnostic criteria for ADHD are more of a guideline.  They are NOT by any means the determining factor that definitely makes a diagnosis.

For me, I don’t personally like to officially diagnose a child before age 7 or 8, and even then that can be a bit beyond my comfort zone.  Instead, I offer you this perspective:

If your child is showing some signs and symptoms of ADHD, then act accordingly.  Regardless of a formal diagnosis, there are still strategies and supports that we can put in place to help your child be successful.  There are tools we can rely on to make life a little less stressful and overwhelming for you, your child, and the entire family.

So yet again, I ask you to consider the diagnosis a piece of the puzzle.  Focus more on the behaviors that you are seeing, and consider how those are causing problems.

As your child gets older, and things become a bit more clear, then we can start to identify whether or not it really is ADHD.

Tell Us What You Think!

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I want to shout out loud – “It’s NEVER too late for change.”  It’s NEVER too late to make a difference in your child’s life. And it’s certainly NEVER too late to start supporting and encouraging their differences!

Yet, I have to caution everyone that just because it is never too late… that doesn’t mean we will see change overnight, within a week, or within a few months.

Sure, my goal with everyone is to implement strategies right away so you can start seeing change almost immediately.  BUT, that doesn’t mean there won’t be some ups and downs.

Today – more so than ever – we are looking for a quick fix demand and expect a quick fix.

I suppose it’s NOT entirely unreasonable to want that.  After all, the demands on our time is at an all time high.  Technology is advancing so rapidly – that our world (family, work, school) expects almost immediate results.

But we cannot expect that from our children.  While society has changed, raising a family has stayed relatively the same (or should I say has the same demands)…

My Point Is This…

Think of who your child is right now.  Think of how old he or she is, and how long it has taken to develop the habits we now observe as problematic or concerning.  In fact, the same works for their good habits…

With all of the families I support, the same applies across the board.  It doesn’t matter if it’s the parent or the child…  We need to think of the years that it took to develop the habits or behaviors we see right now.  We need to be mindful that these habits developed over time and did NOT pop up over night.

That’s where the answer exists:  TIME!

Even when we intervene at a very early age, we are faced with habits that have been reinforced time and time again.  It’s going to take time to help support your child and help them develop new habits.

Tell Us What You Think!

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Last night I had the great pleasure of being involved in a health and wellness fair at a local area school.  I had been invited to be the guest speaker, to a group of parents, about anxiety in elementary school children.

It was a really fun event, and while I hope that I was able to share some insight about anxiety, the best part of the night for me was the wealth of information these parents shared with one another (and what I ultimately took away).

What was scheduled to be a 30 minute presentation, followed by 25 minutes of Q&A turned into a 30-minute presentation with almost 90 minutes of Q&A.  It was amazing.  The parents asked incredibly detailed questions, and were quite clear about what they needed.  And the best part about it was the Q&A was more of a discussion among parents.  They were actively supporting one another.

I was so inspired.

The Most Powerful Moment Of The Night

While the talk was about anxiety, as both a diagnosis and spectrum response to behavior, the focus was really on supporting children.  But you already know that about me.

Now my favorite part of the night came towards the end when one parent reached out in support to another and said, “Is your daughter happy?”

Here we were talking about the causes of anxiety, the symptoms of anxiety, how anxiety, ADHD, depression, and many other conditions share symptoms…  and this mother asked the most important question.

Last night we put aside the diagnoses and labels.

Last night we focused on how our children behave and how they were managing peer relationships and other key aspects of life.

This one mother in particular was talking about her daughter who exhibited some anxious behaviors, and who was told recently that her daughter might have an underlying depression.  No matter what this girl was experiencing…  No matter what diagnosis she might have…  The most powerful question of the night – and quite possibly overlooked question was – Is she happy?

Is your child happy?  Are my children happy?

Does that count above everything else?  I’d LOVE to hear from you!!

This mother stopped and thought hard.  She put aside the symptoms, and looked at her daughter as either being happy or not.  It was a priceless moment that made me think twice about the questions I ask my clients…  And how I even look at my own children.

Tell Us What You Think!

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I know it can feel like it, but we don’t just wake up one day and find ourselves suddenly surrounded by struggle – stress – and frustration in any part of our lives.  Quite to the contrary, getting to these point starts with a chain of events that quite carefully lead up to the point where the straw finally breaks the camels back.

When parenting children with ADHD, many of my clients describe all the bad that happens…all the struggle, stress, and frustration that marks the day.

Part of what I do is to step away from that and look at:

What is it that your child does really well?

What does your child do that makes you happy?

If all we see is the negative, then we will never be able to get back to focusing on the positive, or effectively working on change towards the positive.

No Overnight Success

Because so many of us don’t seek help until we have reached a boiling point, it’s easy to forget that we cannot fix things overnight.  There is no magic button, even with medication, that quickly erases all the stress, frustration, overwhelm, and everything else that comes with parenting children with ADHD.

Even my clients whose children are on medication still report many of the same struggles with behavior.  They still see a lot of unwanted (and often times unappreciated) behaviors often associated with ADHD.

Here’s what I tell them every single time.

It took an awful lot to get to where things are today.  Habits have been developed.  Behaviors and expectations have been reinforced.

It’s going to take time to undue these things.

Yes, it can be done, but it won’t happen overnight.  We need to start small, and work backwards.  Think about the end result – the good that you have – and what it will take to get there.

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Of all the complexities facing children with ADHD, I’m just not certain how much emphasis is placed on developmental progress and milestones.  We’ve talked about ADHD being complicated because of the many factors that influence symptoms, mimic symptoms, exacerbate symptoms, and much more…

But how many people are talking about ADHD in context of a developing, hormone raging child – adolescent – teen – young adult?

When clients sit down in my office, many want to know: “What is normal for a child with ADHD?”

And therein lies one of the biggest problems.  There is no normal for a child with ADHD.  There is no consistent, expected presentation or experience for a child with ADHD.  On top of it, there is no normal for any child anywhere…  There is only what we expect to be normal at this point.

Let me say that another way.  Over the years, we have created an idea of what normal looks like.  Through stories, media, entertainment, and the illusion of how the world works, we have all created what “normal progress” should look.

In reality, a child with ADHD is no more or less normal than anyone else.  The challenge typically comes from the increasing complexity of everything else going on for that child.

Increasing Complexity

Just as we cannot predict ADHD-like behaviors, we also have no way of knowing how a child’s particular experience of ADHD will change and shift as he or she faces new situations, and new milestones in his or her life.

ADHD continues to evolve or rapidly progress in an individual as their experiences shift, change, and grow.  About all we can do is help these wonderfully bright, and talented children understand their behaviors – understand their bodies – and support them as they explore the world.

What Do You Think?

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It is a widely held belief that children with ADHD are generally a behavioral problem.  But that’s not entirely accurate.  Just because someone has been diagnosed with ADHD, there is no formula for how they will behave or what characteristics he or she will display.

From where I stand, ADHD and bad behavior are two very different things.  While there are certainly going to be instances where someone’s behavior is influenced or impacted by their experience of ADHD, it is not an “if, then” situation.

Let’s Take A Closer Look

I often get asked questions about whether or not “certain behaviors” are a direct result of ADHD.  It’s never really that simple, but I take a different approach to advising my clients and their families.  I always suggest that we look at ADHD and behavior as two very different things.

Yes, there will be instances where a child’s impulsivity (for example) will lead to bad behavior, but having ADHD is not a get out of jail free card. It’s not an excuse for a free for all.

In fact, I think parents should know that having ADHD does not excuse a certain expectation for behavior and how a child conducts him or herself.

It’s A Very Fine Line…

I’m going back and forth in my own words because there is a very fine line here.  We know that ADHD can influence how a person behaves.  I’m not arguing that.

Rather, I am saying that a parent (or a teacher) should look at what behavior is acceptable.

• What behavior would you expect from any other child?
• What behavior would you accept in this situation?

The difference here is understanding that your child is different, so you might need to take a different approach to how you get the behaviors that are acceptable.

Something To Chew On…

Most of the clients I work (either directly or indirectly) are incredibly bright children.  In most cases, they know exactly what they are doing at the precise moment they are doing it.  They are well aware of their actions and the results they are going to receive.

To me, this suggests that ADHD and bad behavior are in fact two very different things.  The next time you find yourself wanting to excuse your child’s behavior because of ADHD, I would encourage you to consider whether that is enabling them or not…

What Do You Think?

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“When do you feel ‘symptoms’ cross the line
from ‘that’s how I am’ to a ‘disorder?”

A new friend recently asked me this question, and it really got me thinking.  I’ve always shared with people that I’m NOT a fan of labels, and that I think we need to focus more on behaviors than symptoms.  But I don’t know if I have ever entertained the question of when we cross the line from behaviors to symptoms to “self” to disorder…

To me, it doesn’t really matter what you are struggling with in life, as long as you have the resources, strategies, and supports in place to deal with it all.  I just think humans were intended to be different, and it is those differences which bring about change, innovation, and advancement in life.

What a boring world it would be if there were no differences…  No people with ADHD, no learning “disorders”…

How do I answer this question?

Having conducted evaluations for students looking to receive accommodations at school, I quickly lost faith in the term disorders.  Most raw data is where the labels come from, but it is the interpretation of those results that lead to my view of how every child can flourish.

Learning disabilities suggest that someone does better in one area than in another.  That’s it–but too many of us take the approach that “something is wrong!”  For instance, some people are more verbal while others are more non-verbal.  That’s just the way it is!  We call it a disability or disorder because we seem to believe that everyone should be good across the board.  I disagree…

There is always something else going on…  Something else contributing to how we process information and give it back to the world.

Disabilities tend to get in the way when people or organizations are inflexible with their expectations and rules.  The world is NOT as rigid as we have made it.

Yes — people struggle.  I’ll never suggest otherwise.  And I do firmly believe in providing accommodations if that is what an individual needs to succeed.  There is NOTHING wrong with that.  But I do however have a problem (and will continue to do so) with any individual, organization, system, or group who self-selects and categorizes people based on individual preference!

What Do You Think?

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Today’s post is really about so much more than just children struggling with ADHD or any other type of learning disability or struggle.   “Paying attention to patterns” I think has more to do with just being able to anticipate what is coming at you.

One predominant theme I hear from parents of children with ADHD, is this constant state of worry (or high alert) about what is coming next.  The question typically being asked, “What did my child do now?”

Or maybe it’s more of the “What’s today’s phone call going to be about?”

It’s not unimaginable to expect that this constant level of concern or anticipation eventually leads to a lower threshold, ultimately resulting in:

• Increased frustration
• Increased agitation
• Increased aggravation
• Increased stress

Patterns  Can Predict The Future…

Or at least they can guide future events to help make them less painful or agitating.

When you pay attention to patterns, you are looking for:

• Consistency
• Reliability
• Triggers
• Precursors
• Other signals…

They say history repeats itself, and a child’s behavior certainly is NO exception.  With or without ADHD, if we watch our children “closely” enough, we will be able to become familiar with their patterns…their habits…  Ultimately resulting in greater awareness of what might be coming next.

We will never truly be able to avoid these situations…

But if we are able to anticipate them better, then perhaps our reaction to the situation will NOT be as powerful… as harsh… or as crippling…

Ultimately we are NOT trying to avoid these bad days, or bad events.

We are however, looking to anticipate events in order to REDUCE the level of reaction we have.

Bottom Line?

Think of this more as taking an offensive approach to defense.  Because you know certain events repeat themselves, and hopefully, you also KNOW the outcome – you can then decrease the response you are having.

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ADHD might mean a lot of things… I have heard all sorts of myths, misunderstandings, and outrageous claims about what it means to have attention deficit disorder.  But what I cannot stand, and what I will NOT tolerate is name calling…  I will NOT tolerate when people think that anyone, especially children, with ADHD are stupid.

It’s simply not true…  It’s downright rude, offensive, and so many other things…

ADHD means a lot of things, to a lot of different people.  And I don’t think you can expect otherwise with a (so-called) spectrum “disorder.”  For some reason, people seem to think that ADHD only comes in a few varities.

But the truth is, ADHD is different in everyone.  While there are some clear characteristics, ADHD varies greatly from person to person.

ADHD is a differnece in brain wiring and brain functioning.

That’s it!  At least on a simple level, that’s what I want you to consider.

No, it’s not necessarily that simple.  Yes there is more to know…but for our purposes, this is what you need to be aware of.

So I ask you, where do we get the idea that someone with ADHD is stupid?

You may have read or been told that people with ADHD struggle in certain key areas:

• Organization
• Focus and Attention
• Completing Tasks

But what is often overlooked, at least what is rarely given credit, is that children with attention deficit disorder are NOT broken.  They are NOT stupid.

But beyond all that, children and adults with ADHD tend to have a general idea what is going on.  Many of them know where they struggle or how they struggle.  At least they know just as much as the next person…

Sure…  We struggle.  We have our moments.  But, I ask you this, “Who doesn’t?”

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Yesterday, my family and I (wife, two kids) went to the Museum of Science in Boston, MA.  For many in the Northeast US, it is school vacation week.  I am not sure we really thought of that when we ventured out to the museum with some cousins (who were also on school vacation).

As you might already be thinking, the museum was crowded.  It was packed.  I can’t really compare it to any other non-school vacation day because I haven’t been to the museum in years.  But anyway, I think it’s safe to say the museum was packed.

Children were running around everywhere – like children do.  And of course, this museum is also very interactive.  From the moment I walked in the door, I was pushed, poked, shoved, and bumped into.  It lasted all day.  Now being someone who doesn’t really like crowded places, I was almost frustrated just knowing we were going there.

But what really got to me was the lack of manners and apparent total absence of parents watching their children.  And what really almost threw me over the edge was when one 7 or 8 year old was swinging around a metal chain that almost hit my 6 month old son in the eye (despite even being in his car seat on a stroller).

Now – it would be easy for me or anyone else to immediately blame “ADHD” and bad parenting.

But – the reality of the situation is this:

• I was in a public place
• Kids were everywhere
• It was interactive
• People get distracted and overwhelmed

And, listen, I am not immune.  Did my toddler run off and probably steamroll over some other parent?  Yep – she sure did.  But I was following right behind her, apologizing and saying excuse me for her…

Does that make me better?  Is that what I am going for here?  No!  If you know me by now, then you know that is not what it’s all about.  Not one bit.

My frustration came at the apparent lack of manners I saw yesterday.

But I guess kids are kids, and knowing I don’t like crowded places – maybe I should have stayed home or gone somewhere else.