ADHD Parenting: Being Alone Is Dangerous
March 25, 2010 
17 Comments
To many of my readers it’s been no secret that the last six months have been a challenge. I struggled with a lot of intense feelings, and pulled back from a lot of what I do and what I like to do. I isolated myself and it led to disaster. I wish I could say that I am completely out of it…and I’m well on my way…but I’m just not out of the woods yet.
In all the work I do supporting families affected by ADHD, one of the strongest pieces of advice I advocate is having a powerful support network, and not being alone. Yet I still did the exact opposite…
So many parents tell me they are afraid to talk to other parents about their challenges. Whether it’s not being understood, feeling ashamed, being blamed, judged, or shamed… they tell me they just don’t want to talk to people about it.
And I really get that… And it’s far too easy to just shy away, especially after being burned a few times.
But I have to caution you to steer clear of isolation as best you can.
Whether you are a busy on the go parent (working outside or inside the home), it’s just too easy to feel alone. It’s too easy and natural to get caught up in your world…your own struggles…and to feel like you are the only one!
As a stay-at-home-Dad…my biggest struggle is the demands of being a parent while also having a deep burning desire to work on my life…my business…and to have space.
I’m telling you this because I withdrew from my support network. I was afraid to say certain things to people. I didn’t want to be judged. I was embarrassed by certain thoughts I was having, and felt like others would laugh.
But the other day I finally reached out to a colleague and shared some thoughts that were holding me back… I couldn’t keep them to myself anymore. I took a chance…and yea…I was nervous about it.
And you know what?
He didn’t laugh… He didn’t judge. He actually connected with me… Heard me… And told me he has the same thoughts. Instantly I was re-energized and felt like I wasn’t the only one. It was amazing and gave me energy that I hadn’t felt in a while.
Now not everyone will have this affect on me…or you. But it reminded me that there are people out there who will offer support. And that being alone is dangerous! It also reminded me that I am NOT alone and that I crave connection. It is connection that inspires me…
That might work for you, or it might not. You’ve got to find what or who helps get you out of isolation or being alone.
But no matter how uncomfortable you are feeling… How scared… Alone… Or Lost you feel… Don’t keep it bottled up inside. Take a chance and share with someone. If they don’t give you what you need, find someone who will.
No I don’t expect it to be that easy. Sure it might even hurt…but I am living proof that going through it alone is dangerous and just makes things even harder.
Raising a child or supporting a loved one with ADHD ain’t easy! Believe you me…I get it!!!! But I’m also gonna tell you that life isn’t easy… Raising a child without ADHD isn’t easy… It’s just different. Yes, you’ll face unique challenges for sure… and all it takes to get the support you need is to find the right people. That’s the challenge we all face in life.
Right on target as usual Rory. I’ve been aware that you were going through something and I’m glad you finally took action. When we see a friend in pain, it hurts us too.
I think in many ways I have been having the same journey. I know that I isolate myself too much and spend too much time in my head instead of with other people. And yes, it is SO hard to open up and share.
You’ve offered some good advice that I’m going to try to follow.
Thank you for sharing this.
Rory, I so agree. Isolation dilutes our strength. Acceptance and collaboration open the door for solutions and creative interventions. The load is shared when we carry it with others.
I think it is important to be selective and choose those that are kind to be our support group as those that are kind will also be just and will be aware of the need to maintain another’s dignity by covering our backs instead of exposing them. It takes a little practice and some wrong turns to get there but the journey is definitely worth the investment.
I choose by the simple things in life, How does an individual treat their family, pets and employees because when the heat comes that is how they will also treat me. Once the support network is established it is important to nurture this and give back, then there will be resources available in the time of need
Amy Price PhD
Dear Rory,
I understand completely where you are coming from. I was raised in a strict home where we were told we should NEVER share our problems with others, for we should not tell anyone that we had problems. When I married and moved 5,000 miles from home, I kept those ‘problems’ with me and after 18 years in an interracial marriage I got out from living with a spouse who would not share his problems (an oriental) and did not want to hear mine. Being a single parent for 10 years and having a supportive church family, I finally began to release all of those years of frustration and came out of my isolation. Now that I am a grandparent of an ADHD grandson, I know how important it is for myself and for him to have a trusted friend to go to and ‘let it all out.’ My grandson and I both see the same psychologist (his parents have no interest in getting help) and my grandson (a teenager) shares much with me that he does not feel comfortable sharing with his parents (mainly because they are not together and he has one very negative step-parent). I also have very good raport with the 10 members of my small Bible Study class which is presently working on healing our past hurts and moving on. We have also done studies on relationships and dealing with the ‘unloveable’ in our lives.
Keep up your good work and may you continue to help others and remember to take care of yourself.
Martha Albin
P.S. The one person who has helped me to put my priorities straight is my psychologist who himself struggled all his life with ADHD. He definitely understands!!
Dear Rory,
You have reaffirmed what I have repeatedly been told to do myself but have so much difficulty doing. I am a mother of 5: three with ADHD, Anxiety and other difficulties related, and one with Asperger’s, Bipolar, ADD, Depression, and the rest of the pool that goes with it, the last is “normal”–if there is such thing–so far. I am pretty sure I have ADHD, and have struggled with depression for most of my life. I have been trying to find someone to talk to for help for the past year (I don’t have insurance for myself) and my pastor keeps recommending that I find a counselor. I feel too ashamed to talk to most of my family about this, as these problems never go away, and I am afraid to wear them out. I don’t really have close friends and am a stay-at-home mom, as I have to homeschool my oldest with Asperger’s. I have noticed that in the past few months, even getting out of the house to visit in-laws or go to Church have been extremely difficult, and I practically avoid social events if at all possible. I am pretty sure that my difficulties are rubbing off on the rest of my family. I appreciate so much your candid remarks and being so honest with all of us. I will pray for you, and try to follow your example.
God bless you!
Stephanie
Rory, Thank you so much for “coming clean”. I’m glad you’re feeling better now that you’ve reached out. Maybe it struck home for me because I just finished teaching a CHADD Parent to Parent class and it amazed me how much the attendees came to depend on each other’s support! I’ve been in your shoes and the best advice is NOT to go it alone. I’m glad you came around to following your own advice!
AMEN Rory! As an ADD mom with an ADD daughter, I know that isolating is an easy path to go down. Ironically, for me, the worse I begin to feel, the more I isolate, a vicious cycle. The energy, as you said, that I get when I seek support is amazing. I also find that even if it’s not direct support re the ADD challenges but it’s time in nature, exercise, and/or being with friends, it’s vital for me.
You do a great job in supporting all of us by being so honest and real about your situation. I really appreciate it.
Missy Sullivan
Indeed, being alone may get very hard and even dangerous.
Rory mentioned several reasons why one would hesitate to turn to fellow people for sharing one’s difficulties and concerns – like being blamed, judged, or shamed.
Amy Price PhD recommends choosing kind people as one’s support group.
I agree with the analysis and the advice; yet I want to add to the obstacles another factor that can deter one from sharing concerns even with kind and caring people, especially if they are close friends or partners.
One result of relating one’s difficulties might be to arouse concerns or worries in the sympathetic listener who may be incapable to offer real help. In that case, one might end up feeling responsible for causing rather unnecessary unease to significant people. I notice this element in Stephanie’s fear lest she would wear out people of her family if she talks to them about her worries.
Moreover, sometimes such caring confidant may turn active, and flood you with useless advice and even nagging – all out of genuine concern.
Rory tells about his own success in finding the right person. I suggest that, rather unwittingly, he had been effectively choosy, until the right person entered the picture.
I think that handling the problem of solitude has to involve a careful screening of the proper “supporting group”. Kindness of the potential supporter needs to be accompanied with capability and with wisdom.
Asher
First a big thank you to all for NOT only commenting here, but also in sharing more insight, personal experience, and ongoing support and connection.
Like I hinted, I should have done this weeks ago and had been meaning to…but like all good intent, nothing replaces action. I mean, you all responded with support. And I am grateful for that…but more than anything it is the discussion which inspires…
Thank you all again!! Your feedback, support, and perspective is what keeps us all going forward.
Asher Shla’in makes an important point that I’ve come to embrace too. Sometimes, perhaps more often than we realize, we do not move forward because the right pieces are not in place. Those pieces might be a person, the resources needed, the right circumstances, an opportunity, an insight, new knowledge, or a skill. I’m 20 years post AD/HD diagnosis now. I’m very knowledgable about my AD/HD – (though less so about my anxiety, small working memory, expressive and receptive language disablities) – and yet I’m still learning what works for me all these years later. After struggling for 2 – 3 years with significant illness and loss within my circle of friends, what have I learned? That there’s a lot I can’t control and that I absolutely need to do things that bring me joy for a couple of hours every other day. If I don’t, the pressures of the days build to the point where I struggle to maintain or begin spiraling downward. Above my computer is an art piece from a dear friend that features a Rumi quote, “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” That’s what I strive for everyday…joy.
Rory,
You are so right, isolation is a disaster! I had isolated myself without even realizing it. When I went searching for answers I found this website and began participating in “The Inside Track” support group. You and the others in the group helped me realize I am not alone. I too, had stepped away from my supports. When I reached out to them, they did not judge me but were wonderful. I, like you felt an immediate lifting of my spirit. Yes, I still have issues to deal with but I have a core group of people with different perspectives that I know I can count on. Rory, keep up the good work and keep reaching out.
Thank you, Rory!
I am almost afraid to say it here but being alone is not the problem. Feeling alone is the problem. Being alone is very good for me at times. I am able to regroup and refocus. When I start to get ‘cabin fever’ it’s time to do something different, usually whether I want to or not. If I don’t I start feeling some of the same feelings you did.
Oh by the way I am a parent of 5 children who have ADHD. Two grown and with their own families and three still at home. I probably have undiagnosed ADHD myself.
Mylinda -
BINGO!!! Thank you so much for being able to say what I neglected to include or find the words for. But yes…just feeling alone (whether or not I or you truly are) is difficult enough.
Thank you for sharing. It means a great deal to me.
Rory
Thanks for encouraging us to take another look for someone who can support us. I too often try to “just go it alone.” I have a grandson who lived with me 14 of his 17 years, now lives with his mom. During those years I struggled with all the challenges that come with a child with ADHD. All the while he desperately wanted to be accepted by his mom who was too embarrassed by his ADHD. During those times he was with me I’d try to reach out to others to help them understand my grandson and not judge him so harshly. More often than not I met criticism,people avoided us at gatherings, or if something went wrong at those gatherings they’d search out my grandson to place the blame or frustrations out on. He was a walking target. After a while I found the window(time frame) where I could sneak him in for socialization and sneak him back out without any harm. So yes, I can completely understand the loneliness of living with a child or loved one with ADHD. Thanks again for taking the time to share with us. Take care of yourself.
you know the write thing its to find some one who
understand u but what should u do if there is no time no money u should find another way or foul dawne
I so agree with not isolating yourself. I think that at the beginning, it is a natural response for many of us. But parents should take advantage of available support systems. There are local support groups where you can talk with parents who are experiencing similar issues. You can join email groups where you can “talk” at your convenience, ask questions, and know that there are others out there who have concerns like you. Your network will grow as you start opening up.